How to Set Boundaries in Eating Disorder Recovery
Boundaries are important to build trust and healthy relationships. But, they can often be tricky to navigate in eating disorder recovery.
Between therapy, nutrition counseling appointments, and everyday challenges, you exert so much mental and emotional energy in eating disorder recovery. And that’s all on top of dealing with the normal “life stuff”. Life stuff like responsibilities, friendships, and family. You have to guard your time and energy wisely.
That’s where boundaries come into play.
Boundaries Often Look Like Saying “No”
You might find yourself saying no to people, situations, and conversations that may be emotionally draining.
You may find that your eating disorder allows you (or forces you) to say no to a lot in your life. No to social events, or no to eating with others. It might allow you to say no to dates, no to beach days, and no to anything that disrupts your behaviors and rigidity.
These “no’s” enable your eating disorder by giving it exactly what it wants. Recovery boundaries are meant to give you the time, space, and safety you need to heal. Even though boundaries may seem harsh at times, they aren’t meant to push people away. Boundaries are a way of letting people into your life, on your terms.
According to researcher and author Brené Brown “Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others. We can't base our own worthiness on others' approval (and this is coming from someone who spent years trying to please everyone!). Only when we believe, deep down, that we are enough can we say ‘Enough!’”
What Setting Boundaries in Eating Disorder Recovery Might Look Like:
Making a List of Topics That are Off-Limits
How we talk about food and bodies matters. Asking others not to discuss weight/size, bodies, appearance, diets, food portions/calories/nutrition facts allows you to create an environment where eating disorder thoughts are not being reinforced. Everyone around you will benefit from these boundaries, whether they have an eating disorder or not.
Banning Unsolicited Advice
Whenever you are going through something, people tend to offer their advice whether it is welcomed or not. It doesn’t matter if they know nothing about eating disorders– sometimes people just have something to say about everything.
You don’t have to put up with this from friends and family. You can ask them to listen to you without bringing up solutions. Or you can tell them that you don’t want to hear anything about a “cure” or the type of treatment they think is best for you.
This might sound like, “I know you want to help, but I just need you to listen.” “I appreciate you wanting to help, but I already have a treatment plan that is working for me.”
Shutting Down Dismissive Comments
Sometimes people in your life might try to tell you to just “get over” food or body image issues. They might believe that eating disorders are a vanity issue. That if you could focus on what matters, you’d be fine. “Other people have it worse.” “There are real problems in the world.” “Just eat.”
These minimizing and dismissive comments are hurtful and often make it harder to confide in others. They may even convince you that you don’t need help for your eating disorder. If the people around you cannot treat you with respect and validate your pain, you may need to limit time with them.
Not Talking About Your Eating Disorder
In eating disorder recovery, you’re going to get tired of talking about it all the time. If you come back from a long day of appointments only to interact with family or friends who also ask you about your recovery you’ll have no respite from it. It’s emotionally taxing to have to talk about what you are going through, and you don’t owe anyone updates about your recovery. You will need breaks, and that might mean you have to tell people, “I will not talk about this right now.”
“Regardless of how intentionally and skillfully you set boundaries, there is always the risk that others will continue to cross them,” notes Kindful Body therapist Jen Villasenor. “It can be a challenge to not internalize others' repeated boundary-crossing behavior as a message that you don't deserve to establish boundaries in the first place. The mantra, "It is a-them problem, not a-me problem" applies here. The nature of the relationship may need to change in order to best support your long-term recovery process.”
It takes a lot of emotional and mental energy to recover from an eating disorder.
You won’t be able to give your best effort in recovery if your relationships with friends and family are also emotionally draining. Boundaries are meant to serve you and your relationships by making them stronger and more fulfilling.
Setting boundaries requires you to be assertive and know when to step away from conversations. Standing up for yourself and telling people how you want to be treated is not easy. Especially if you struggle with expressing or even identifying your needs.
The eating disorder therapists at Kindful Body can help you learn vital communication skills that will allow you to become more confident in knowing when and how to set boundaries in your relationships.
Interested in Setting Healthy Boundaries in Relationships in California?
At Kindful Body our team of eating disorder therapists knows communication may be hard when dealing with an eating disorder and your recovery. Learn how to be confident in establishing healthy boundaries in your relationships. To get started follow these simple steps:
Schedule a free 15-minute video consultation to learn how we can help you
Meet with one of our caring relationship therapists
Begin your journey of healing
Other Services Available at Kindful Body
Kindful Body offers relationship therapy to clients 14 and older across California, as well as support for low self-esteem issues, emotional eating recovery, nutrition counseling, grief counseling, binge eating disorder, and body image. When you’re ready, we are here to help you with your eating disorder recovery whether you need eating disorder treatment in Sacramento, San Jose, Oakland/Berkeley, Walnut Creek, San Mateo, Orange County, CA, or anywhere online in California. Learn more about us by checking out our blog and FAQs page!