Low Self-Esteem: Coping Skills and Tips
When was the last time you checked in on your self-esteem? Chances are, you really only think about your self-esteem when it is low.
If you feel lost while struggling with low self-esteem, you aren’t alone. There are ways to cope with and improve self-esteem. Raising your self-esteem can drastically change how you move through life, and open you up to possibilities you didn’t know existed.
Before you can start to build your self-esteem, it helps to start with an understanding of how self-esteem develops and why yours might be low.
What is self-esteem?
Self-esteem is a measure of how good we feel about ourselves. It’s the amount of self-respect we have for ourselves and the pride we take in who we are.
But where does self-esteem come from?
Is it something we all inherently have? Or does it develop over time? Why do some people have higher self-esteem than others? What can you do about low self-esteem?
Self-esteem is shaped by our experiences, and self-esteem can shape how we experience every aspect of our lives– from relationships with others to the relationship we have with our bodies.
Researchers have identified three types of self-esteem: a sense of superiority, others' approval, and uniqueness. A sense of superiority manifests when we compare ourselves to others in a positive manner (meaning we always perceive ourselves as ‘better’). Uniqueness is our sense of authenticity and individuality. Not all types of self-esteem are equal.
How does self-esteem develop?
Like many aspects of our emotional well-being, our self-esteem develops in childhood. Whether or not we develop good self-esteem depends on a number of factors:
Did we have encouraging caregivers who listened to us and validated our feelings?
Was praise given out often?
Were we bullied, either by peers or family members?
Did we have to fight for our parents’ approval?
When caregivers noted themselves, did they exhibit healthy self-esteem?
Were we allowed to make choices for ourselves?
Did we have hobbies/talents/skills areas where we felt successful?
Were the friendships we had solid and healthy?
Did we feel as though we belonged in our families?
Were we taught that our value is inherent, or did we have to prove our worth through our grades, extracurriculars, or other external attributes?
The level of unconditional love and acceptance we felt as children can shape our core beliefs about ourselves. As we age, our self-esteem continues to be impacted by both external factors and our inner selves.
What are some causes and signs of low self-esteem?
Because the foundations for our self-esteem are laid in childhood, it can often feel as though low self-esteem is just a part of who we are. But low self-esteem is not your fault.
We may develop lower self-esteem if our caregivers:
Didn’t allow us to do things ourselves or told us we weren’t capable of doing them
Resented us, called us names, put us down, withheld affection
Compared us to our siblings or other people’s children
Commented on our bodies and pointed out our perceived flaws
These hurts don’t have to come from just parents or guardians. Teachers, coaches, nannies, and grandparents can all have a hand in shaping our self-worth. Bullying and social rejection can also lead us to form negative core beliefs about ourselves. We then hold onto these core beliefs, and we aren’t always open to new experiences or information that prove them wrong.
These early negative experiences can leave us filled with shame about who we are.
When we carry that shame with us, we may constantly compare ourselves to others, people-please even when it comprises what we want, and hold onto the belief that we don’t deserve the life we want.
That shame traps us in a vicious cycle: Low self-esteem may lead us to avoid social interactions or activities that could make us feel better about ourselves, and that avoidance only makes us feel worse. We don’t feel good enough to go for what we want in life, but then we end up feeling ‘less than’ because we have not done what we hoped to accomplish.
Low self-esteem and the shame that comes with it can leave us feeling empty like there is something missing from our lives but we don’t deserve to have it.
Low self-esteem is also a symptom of depression, which can keep us even more stuck in that vicious cycle of shame and avoidance. Low self-esteem is not a personality flaw, but it can lead to a lower quality of life.
Effects of low self-esteem
Low self-esteem can have negative effects on your emotional/mental health. It can contribute to body image issues, disordered eating and other self-harm behaviors, anxiety, and depression.
Low self-esteem can also impact our choices of friends and partners, job aspirations, life goals, sense of purpose, and relationship dynamics.
Our level of self-esteem can influence how we respond to life stressors, trauma, and rejection.
How to improve your self-esteem
Low self-esteem is not permanent. There are ways of building/raising your self-esteem, but nothing changes instantly. The negative beliefs you have about yourself didn’t just show up one day; you cultivated that set of beliefs over time.
Unlearning those beliefs takes time, too.
While there’s no magic cure for low self-esteem, researchers have identified some key building blocks for higher self-esteem. Speaker and author Dr. Brene Brown cover the topics of shame and perfectionism and the effect the two have on our self-worth. In her book, The Gifts of Imperfection, Brown reveals that courage, compassion, and connections with others are the keys to living an authentic life with a sense of belonging– which is only possible when you have healthy self-esteem.
We have to be courageous in order to go for what we want in spite of our feelings of not being enough. We have to have compassion for ourselves when we make mistakes and recognize that we don’t have to be ‘perfect’ to be enough. We have to form connections with others who can reflect back to us the beauty we cannot always see in ourselves, and allow us to feel acceptance and belonging.
While some sources of self-esteem are more sustainable than others, there is no ‘wrong’ way to raise your self-esteem.
You may internalize cultural messages about rejecting the idea that you need external validation in order to feel good about yourself. Seeking validation from others isn’t bad, it’s natural and part of how we build self-esteem. After all, “others’ approval” is one of the three types of self-esteem. The way others see us does affect how we see ourselves. It is unrealistic to expect yourself to have healthy self-esteem without feeling accepted by others.
Ways of building self-esteem
You can build self-esteem through positive experiences and interactions. Nothing has to be monumental; a continuous series of small experiences that allow you to recognize your worth can help you cultivate a stronger sense of self. Here are some ideas:
Help others
Giving back by volunteering your time for a cause can help you feel better about yourself. Selflessness takes your focus away from yourself and your perceived shortcomings, and also shows you how much value you can provide to others.
Be useful
In Viktor Frankl’s Holocaust memoir, Man’s Search for Meaning, he observed that those who survived the concentration camps were people who had found a way to contribute, be useful, and add value. Being useful gives you a sense of purpose and a stronger sense of self.
Succeed at something
Success boosts our self-esteem. But you don’t have to win an Olympic medal or get your dream job in order to feel good about yourself. Recognizing your accomplishments, no matter how small, can help you reject the negative beliefs you have about what you can and cannot do.
Surround yourself with people who uplift you
Go where you are appreciated. This is easier said than done because making friends while grappling with low self-esteem is hard.
Remember, just because people do not approach you with an offer of friendship, doesn’t mean you are unlikeable. Most of the time, it is up to you to make the first move in order to form these connections. Others are nervous to reach out, too. Your new friends will be grateful that you made the plans and showed genuine interest in connecting with them.
Cut ties with those who bring you down
Ending relationships is never easy, but neither is surrounding yourself with people who force you to stifle who you are. If someone makes you feel as though you can never be good enough for them, you don’t have to be more or do more. You just have to find people who know that you are already enough. “Breaking up” with friends, partners, family members, or even bosses who knock you down can allow you to reclaim your self-worth.
Use affirmations
Low self-esteem can turn us into our biggest bullies. Speak kindly to yourself. Put sticky notes with affirmations on your mirror, incorporate positive mantras in your meditation practice, or journal about the good you can find in yourself each day.
Receive validation
When you share your life with others, you not only build connections but also receive validation. Finding someone with relatable experiences can make you feel better about yourself. You realize that what you have been through isn’t just a “you problem” and that you aren’t weak for handling things the way you did.
Validation can come in many forms. And yes, posting a selfie or sharing something you are proud of on social media in order to receive validation is 100% okay.
Help for low self-esteem
Low self-esteem brings a lot of pain, negativity, and missed opportunities. You deserve a fuller life in which you feel confident in your abilities and yourself overall. That life is possible once you learn to cope with low self-esteem and heal your shame.
How to cope with low self-esteem
It’s unrealistic to expect a positive shift in your self-esteem overnight. So how do you cope with low self-esteem in the meantime?
Kindful Body therapists share their go-to coping tools for low self-esteem:
When confronted with negative thoughts, Meghan Montgomery recommends asking yourself reframing questions like:
What would I tell my sibling/friend/partner if they were struggling with these thoughts?
Is this thought something I really want to believe about myself/others?
What would I tell my younger self/future child if they were struggling with this thought/emotion?
“These can help drain the power out of the negative thoughts, even if the answers don't feel like they apply to you yet,” Meghan says. “Continued practice will help the reframed answers slowly feel more powerful!”
Faith Brandt suggests self-compassion for low self-esteem. Here are her tips on how you can practice self-compassion when you are struggling with low self-esteem:
1) Acknowledge that what you are going through is difficult. Create a statement i.e. "This is really hard" "This is suffering" "This is difficult"
2) Consider all the people in the world who have similar struggles. Not to minimize your experience, but to acknowledge you are not alone in your struggle. Create a statement to acknowledge this i.e. " I am not alone", " Other people feel this way," "This is what it's like to be a human," “Others are going through something similar"
3) What do you long to hear in this moment? What do you wish someone would say to you right now? Practice these words and direct them toward yourself.
4) Place your hand over your heart center, place your hands on your legs, cradle your face or create another hand gesture that would feel comforting. When you do this, your body is able to release feel-good hormones like oxytocin. Holding your hand gesture, repeat the words you want to hear.
Kindful Body Clinical Director Jasmine Dunckel offers a list of coping exercises for low self-esteem that you can do anytime:
Let yourself imagine how the situation might feel if you were using kindness with yourself vs judgment or criticism.
Imagine people who have supported and continue to lovingly support you putting their hand on your back or shoulders.
Get out of your head and into nature. Go on a beauty hunt.
Make a gratitude list.
Look at a picture of yourself as a little kid and imagine how you would talk them through whatever the situation is.
Therapy for low self-esteem
You may decide to seek self-esteem therapy in California to help you heal your low self-esteem.
Our team of therapists is trained in the work of Dr. Brene Brown and Mindful Self-Compassion. During your sessions, we will help you to cultivate compassion for yourself as we guide you on a journey to befriend your controlling, perfectionist, and critical parts to understand why they got so extreme. We will then focus on healing the underlying feelings of fear, shame and inadequacy, and negative beliefs about yourself to support you to live a more authentic and wholehearted life.
We know that connecting to your true Self, worth and compassion take time. If you’re ready to take that next step and become more confident and begin transforming your perfectionism, then let’s work together. Our online therapists can help! Our offices are located throughout California via online therapy. These areas include San Francisco, Los Angeles, San Diego, Santa Barbara, and Palo Alto. We can work with adults and teens throughout California. You can schedule a free 15-minute video consultation to learn how we can support you or a loved one.
Other services at Kindful Body
Transforming perfectionism and low self-esteem is possible. In fact, building a better sense of worth and confidence has happened for many. If you’re seeking that chance and to no longer be at war with yourself, we are the right therapy practice for you. If you’re looking for additional support in online therapy practice in California, we offer other services. This includes eating disorder treatment for students and adolescents, emotional eating recovery, brain spotting for eating disorders, trauma therapy, anxiety treatment and stress therapy, therapy for binge eating, eating disorder counseling, and self-esteem therapy, relationship therapy. When you’re ready, we are here to see you for eating disorder treatment in Sacramento, San Jose, Oakland/Berkley, Walnut Creek, San Mateo, Orange County, CA, and statewide through online therapy in California.