Stepping Stones for Communication in Families
Whether or not you seek family therapy as part of your eating disorder treatment, your family may be involved in your recovery to some extent. With open lines of communication, your family can serve as part of your support system.
Communication within families isn’t always easy, open, or honest, regardless of the circumstances. There are many barriers to good communication with family members. These barriers may be issues within your individual family or eating disorder-related.
Eating disorders are complex and destructive. And like many mental illnesses, eating disorders often seem illogical to those who have not struggled with them. This can create a fundamental lack of understanding, which in turn makes communication quite difficult.
In your eating disorder, you may have withdrawn from your family members. Eating disorders thrive in isolation and secrecy. This distance also makes it hard to communicate openly with your family.
Eating Disorders & Trust Issues
Even if you do connect with your family, you may have developed a deep mistrust of anyone who tries to help in your recovery. The family members who want to intervene are coming between you and your eating disorder. They become the ‘enemy’ because they want you to stop listening to the eating disorder.
In the midst of an eating disorder, you may find yourself becoming judgmental of and developing a negative bias against anyone who doesn’t fit the ideal of how you think bodies should look. These biases can be damaging to your relationships.
The Eating Disorder Blame Game
Mother-daughter relationships may become especially strained, partly due to the prevailing thought that mothers cause eating disorders, along with a host of other psychological issues.
While a daughter may be inclined to mirror their mother’s disordered eating habits (like dieting) and can be influenced by the way their mother talks about their body, these factors are not the cause of an eating disorder. When a mother values appearance, it is natural for her daughter to take on that value as her own. But eating disorders are not anyone’s “fault.” It’s important to recognize a mother’s influence on her daughter without blaming her for the eating disorder.
In her article, Mothers, Daughters, and Eating Disorders: Honoring the Mother-Daughter Relationship, Judith Ruskay Rabinor argues that healing the mother-daughter relationship is “an essential step in recovery.”
Family Conversations About Eating Disorders
When there is an eating disorder within a family, tensions run high, and difficult emotions arise. Family members may be frustrated, confused, sad, and/or angry about your eating disorder. Often, a parent’s fear and desire to protect you from your eating disorder may be communicated with anger rather than concern.
If every conversation about your eating disorder results in your family talking over each other, shutting down, showing defensiveness, centering themselves, playing the victim, or flat-out refusing to address the issue, open and honest communication may feel impossible.
Communication in Families is A Must
If your family has always struggled to have hard conversations, it’s going to take time to reach a place where you can communicate effectively and have productive discussions. But with small steps, you can start to see improvements in your family communication.
You can get past the blaming and shaming, and start having conversations from a place of curiosity instead, where family members listen and empathize with you. Sometimes family just won’t get it. Some people do not want to put in the effort to understand others. It’s not your job to educate them or play family therapist.
But if everyone is willing to do the work, you can create a safe environment within your family and make space for their feelings and yours.
Tips For Communication in Families
Give Family Members A Chance To Voice Their Concerns And Ask Questions
Schedule or set aside time for questions and concerns. This way, you won’t be bombarded every time you talk to your family.
Set Boundaries
You deserve to feel safe and respected. Setting boundaries or ground rules for conversations can help ensure that. It’s okay to say things like, “That’s not okay to talk about” or “Do not joke about this” when someone is out of line. Establishing a general communication rule such as “If you blame, interrupt, or shame anyone, the conversation will be over” will make your boundaries clear.
Practice Active Listening
It’s important to make sure everyone is on the same page about what “active listening” means. Active listening involves listening without interrupting, listening to understand and not to respond, and being able to reflect back on what the speaker is saying.
Listen For The Feelings
In our culture, it can be really hard to discern between thoughts and feelings. You can enhance the quality of your communication with your family by listening for the feelings that may not be named. This is essential for the parents/ caregivers of a loved one with an eating disorder.
Making reflective statements such as “I can hear your sadness/frustration/confusion” can enhance your active listening as well as help your family member feel seen, heard, and validated. And please keep in mind, that while you may not agree with the feelings, the feelings are still valid.
Use I Statements
Do your best to not begin statements with “You…..” and instead own your thoughts and feelings with “I” statements. Instead of “you aren’t being supportive” you might instead say “I need more support.” Instead of “you never listen” you might say “I am not feeling heard.”
Encourage pauses
It’s natural to respond with our initial reactions, especially in situations where there is tension or heightened emotions. These reactive statements may be hurtful and instigate arguments and fighting. Encourage your family to practice pausing before responding. This might mean taking a break during conversations and picking up later when everyone is in a better frame of mind.
Reinforce good communication
Acknowledge when things go well by saying things like, “Thank you for saying that” and “I appreciate how you brought that up.”
Begin to Improve Communication in Families!
Communication in families is challenging, especially when there is an eating disorder in the family. Working with a therapist who can serve as a mediator can help you have hard conversations with your family and reach a point of understanding. Kindful Body offers family therapy online throughout California.
Contact us for a free consultation to see if Kindful Body online therapy is a good fit for you.
Get paired with one of our caring therapists.
Start healing and connecting with your family.
Other Services Kindful Body Offers
Kindful Body understands you might be dealing with more than one mental health issue. Other services related to eating disorders include eating disorder treatment, body image therapy, therapy for binge eating, and nutrition therapy. The Kindful Body therapists also offer anxiety therapy, trauma therapy, relationship counseling, and grief counseling.