Working with Your Perfectionism
Your perfectionism is your eating disorder’s BFF. The two work together to trap you in rigid patterns of thinking. You end up on an endless hamster wheel race towards a destination you can never reach---perfection.
So how do you work with this part of you that has likely been with you long before you were ever diagnosed with an eating disorder?
Although you may always have some perfectionistic tendencies, you can help your inner perfectionist be less extreme. Gaining self-awareness and learning to give yourself the rest and compassion you need and deserve will help you maintain a healthy balance in every area of your life.
You can’t prevent yourself from ever pushing yourself beyond your limits and expecting too much of yourself, but you can recognize that harmful behavior and learn that your worth and value as a human is not dependent on your external achievements.
One of the problems with perfectionism is that it makes you overly critical of yourself. Your first instinct as a perfectionist is to blame yourself for your mistakes or shortcomings. That’s why self-compassion is the antidote to perfectionism. Self-compassion gives us the grace to learn from our mistakes, allows us space to try new things without having to be ‘perfect’ at them, and lets us accept every part of ourselves, even if we view some of those parts as failures.
The first step of healing your inner perfectionist is being able to step back and notice with kindness and curiosity your perfectionistic thinking patterns and behaviors. It’s helpful to understand what triggers in your life leave you feeling ashamed or inadequate. What areas of your life or activities leave you feeling depressed, cause you to procrastinate, knock down your self-esteem and trigger your fear of failure?
Writing about these feelings and the perfectionistic thoughts attached to them can help you put together a clear picture of how perfectionism operates in your daily life.
Once you are aware when perfectionism is taking over, you can redirect your thoughts and be kinder to yourself.
Hilary Kinavey, MS, LPC and Dana Sturtevant, MS, RD of Be Nourished came up with some journaling prompts that can help you address your perfectionism:
Who has asked you to be perfect?
How do you know perfection? (Comparing, Judging/Criticism, Concern, Micromanaging, Disappointment)
What does your ideal self tell you to do? List
You can also address your perfectionism with emotionally supportive self-talk, which is a key part of self-compassion. Once you recognize the ways that you put yourself down, you can begin to change the conversations you have with yourself and talk to yourself the way you would talk to a friend. Instead of “I’m a loser for getting a B on that test” try telling yourself, “The test was hard, and I tried my best.”
As a perfectionist, you likely have many lofty goals that would seem unrealistic to the average person. Try outlining each of those goals and ask yourself, “do I really want to achieve this goal or is it for someone else’s approval?” If you actually want to strive for a goal that’s for you, start with a series of smaller, more reasonable and likely more attainable steps. For example, if you want to write 2,000 words per day, try starting with 500 words. Once you consistently achieve or surpass that goal, you can steadily increase it.
Jotting down your perfectionistic thoughts, talking back to them with kinder self-talk, and reframing your goals can help you achieve more, enjoy life, and feel better about yourself.
As you begin to have more compassion for your inner perfectionist who is being driven by feelings of not being enough as you are, you’ll start to find that instead of always pushing yourself to be “more,” you can start to accept yourself and feel okay as you are.
You’ll be able to recognize that you deserve a pat on the back for the small, daily accomplishments and that you are more than your achievements.
Perfectionism may always sneak its way into your life, but once you learn how to work with it, you’ll be able to stop it from taking over and making you miserable.
If you are struggling with managing your perfectionism and the eating disorder behaviors that come along with it, schedule a free 15-minute consultation with us. Our team of clinicians are trained in mindful self-compassion among many other tools that can help you heal.