Out With “Self-Improvement”: Making a Resolution to Face Your Trauma in the New Year

For many of us, the beginning of a new year is an energizing time.

We embark on our New Year’s resolutions with the hope that this year will be the one where we become who we were always destined to be—the fitter, richer*, or otherwise “better” versions of ourselves that were lying dormant inside us all along, ready to be awakened. The underlying assumption is that it is only through the “bettering” of ourselves that we become worthwhile and whole. 

The popular phrase “New year, new me” captures this sentiment well. To enter the new year as a “new” person is to leave one’s old self—and all their quirks and baggage, however deeply entrenched—behind. There is the implication that it is possible to partition oneself off from one’s context.

But where we’re from, and how we got here, is a part of who we are. We do not exist apart from what we have been through. Our past is a part of us, however painful or traumatic it has been. 

* “Fitter” and “richer” are not descriptors picked at random. According to a new Forbes Health/OnePoll survey, 48 percent of the 1,000 U.S. adults polled resolved to “Improve fitness,” while 38 percent resolved to “Improve finances,” making these two resolutions more popular than any other (Lloyd & DiGiacinto, 2023). (It is also notable, and likely not surprising, that “Los[ing] weight” and “Improv[ing] diet” were the fourth and fifth most popular resolutions, respectively (Lloyd & DiGiacinto, 2023).)

New Year’s resolutions and their focus on creating a “new and improved” self can be an insidious, albeit socially acceptable, way to avoid dealing with the pain of the past, especially if you have trauma. 

One of the hallmarks of having unresolved trauma is avoiding people, places, and events that trigger memories of the trauma and the feelings these memories elicit. Self-medicating with substances is a measure some people with trauma take in order to avoid confronting their pain—and it is recognized as such. It is more difficult to recognize New Year’s resolutions as sharing this same motivation.

Using New Year’s resolutions, which are usually self-focused and often status- or image-driven, to distract from your underlying trauma will not make the trauma go away. Attaching yourself to the idea of a new and improved version of yourself but without the reality of your past will not make the past disappear. 

At the onset of the new year, if you find yourself thinking of yourself primarily as a self-improvement project, devoid of the context of your past and divorced from community, it’s worth getting curious about why that might be. What’s painful to face about the past? What feels safer about “going at it alone,” as is the usual focus of New Year’s resolutions? Why do you feel the urge to leave your old self and life behind in the first place?

New Year’s resolutions focus on improving the self as if the self is something that could be improved at all. 

Many with trauma navigate life with the unconscious assumption that they are broken and, therefore, in need of fixing or changing. What would happen if you began this year believing that you are already whole and good just as you are? Would that change how you approached the new year—and yourself as you embark on it?

While it is absolutely no cakewalk to address your trauma and reckon with the reality of your past, the only way out is through. Finding relief in the midst of your pain is only possible if you face it for what it is. If you set any New Year’s resolution this year, let it be to heal your trauma. Let it be to be honest with yourself about what you have been through—and to tend to yourself with kindness and gentleness as you do so. 

You and your worth are absolutely not the sum of the trauma you’ve endured, and you do not need to make it the central narrative of your life in order to acknowledge the traumas of your past. At the same time, if you neglect the reality of the traumatic experiences you’ve lived through altogether, it’s bound to harm your mental and physical health, your relationships, and how you show up in your life in general.

When it comes to facing and healing from trauma, slow and steady (and in community) wins the race. 

Addressing past trauma and how it’s manifesting in your life today—from strained, conflict-ridden relationships to chronic physical ailments—is not something you need to or should go at alone. After all, “Trauma is not what happens to us, but what we hold inside in the absence of an empathetic witness,” according to physician and trauma expert Gabor Maté. We are social animals wired for connection. Staying connected with safe people as you face the pain and trauma of your past is vital for your well-being. 

Likewise, learning how to cultivate and maintain relationships with safe people—let alone discern who’s safe in the first place—is crucial to healing relationship trauma in particular. Forming vulnerable, trustworthy relationships that aren’t based on trauma bonds, which are strong emotional ties between two people based on one person’s abuse of the other, can be explored in the safety of a therapeutic relationship (McDonald, 2023).

Begin Working With a Trauma Therapist in Los Angeles, CA, and Across California

If you or someone you know has unresolved trauma and is not already seeing a therapist, the Kindful Body team is here to support you. Please reach out to us today to connect with one of our clinicians and begin your trauma-healing journey. At Kindful Body, we utilize the most cutting-edge, evidence-based approaches for trauma, including EMDR, Internal Family Systems (IFS), and Somatic-based modalities. You can begin therapy with us by following these steps:

• (1) Schedule a 15-minute consultation with our client care coordinator.

• (2) Connect with one of our compassionate, trauma-informed therapists.

Other services offered by Kindful Body

Our team is happy to offer a variety of services in support of your mental health. This is why our team is happy to offer support with eating disorder counseling, low self-esteem issues, emotional eating recovery, nutrition counseling, binge eating disorder, and body image. You can start receiving support from Sacramento, San Jose, Oakland/Berkeley, Walnut Creek, San Mateo, Orange County, CA, or anywhere in California. Learn more about us by checking out our blog and FAQs page.

References

Lloyd, M., & DiGiacinto, J. (2023). 2024 New Year’s Resolutions: Nearly Half Cite Fitness As Their Top Priority. Forbes. https://www.forbes.com/health/mind/new-year-resolutions-survey-2024/

[Person looking out window photograph]. IZA World of Labor: Evidence-based policy making. https://wol.iza.org/opinions/job-insecurity-is-bad-for-our-health

McDonald, M. (2023, October 17). What Is a Trauma Bond?: Why are trauma bonds so sticky, and why do we repeat them? Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-hope-circuit/202310/what-is-a-trauma-bond#:~:text=The%20definition%20of%20a%20trauma,Dutton%20%26%20Painter%2C%201981)

[New Year’s Resolutions photograph]. My Jewish Learning. https://www.myjewishlearning.com/article/the-jewish-way-to-make-a-new-years-resolution/

[Two people hugging in city photograph]. Business Insider. https://www.insider.com/queer-best-friend-ended-friendship-lgbtq-drag-race-2023-2